The samoan awoke with an uncontrollable hankering for candy last Wednesday. This was unusual, for she did not have a sweet tooth, but when in Rome- right? She immediately got after it by going to Economy Candy in the Lower East Side, where she proceeded to sit in the middle of the store and eat everything she could grab. Augustus Gloop. After a couple of hours she owed more than her rent, had eaten over 100 pounds of sweets, and most of her teeth had fallen out. Still this monstrous craving would not be subdued- something had to be done. Maybe it was the mass amount of sugar she annihilated, but the samoan began to see the princess on the Candyland box sliding around on powdered sugar- then it was realized that the sugar was snow. The princess was snowboarding! Ugh, what an IDIOT BRAIN the samoan had- she didn't like candy- she liked snowboarding! The craving was for Sugarbush, the resort, the place where you do the snowboarding.

castlerock hike Kingdom of Sweetness elevated locals

She wrote a bunch of IOUs on candy wrappers and called mad yuri to see if he was jonesing for some sugar too. He was like- duh, so the samoan hopped in her truck and drove to Vermont. Mad yuri and the samoan knew that nothing would quench the thirst that they were practically dying from, like Sugarbush. Known as the tastiest place to ride in the Green Mountains with close to 600 skiable acres, some say it is the only place to get a proper fix. They have 111 trails between two peaks and tons of delectable glades, where you never have to ride the same line all day.

The duo started their first day off fancy at Lincoln Peak. They spoke in embellished decorated accents while riding the Super Bravo lift. (This is a little known thing the locals do- along with the golf clap- to keep things classy.) The easiest way to begin this custom is to start by saying "Suuuupeerrr Braaavo" as much as possible, in the most pompous way possible. Sugarbush was known as Mascara Mountain because of the chichi clientele (crazy models son) so one must act accordingly to uphold the reputation.

It was cold out there and the sun needed to be followed for the best snow. North Lynx was where it was at. The chair seemed to be running just for the two in our story because it was midweek. Done with dem groomers they headed to Heaven's Gate.

monkey yuri Kingdom of Sweetness elevated locals

The goal was Castlerock. Many secrets are to be found at Castlerock. This is where you get the raw sugar, all natural terrain not processed by the groomer. They decided to hike to Castlerock (bonus candy calorie burner) from Paradise off of the Heaven's Gate triple, along this route you can also drop the trees (like the samoan and mad yuri) or visit the church of gnar. Church seems to need a bit more of that powder stuff before it's ready, but the view of the valley from the cliff is pretty glorious.

castlerock trees Kingdom of Sweetness elevated locals

That night Mad Taco treats were devoured; and then the two passed out at the Sugarbush Inn, crashing hard from their sugar high.

new school yuri Kingdom of Sweetness elevated locals

The next day was all about Mt. Ellen. She's so fine and chill. I mean, she probably doesn't shave that much, but she never complains about stupid things or gets white girl wasted. Mt. Ellen is more of the locals mountain and is less crowded. Once again it seemed as if the lifts were spinning just for mad yuri, the samoan, and local john (the head of words). You can get to Mt. Ellen by taking the Slide Brook Express which is the longest quad in the world. It usually opens at 10 AM and closes at 3:15 PM. A bus can be taken too which might be the thing to do, because the Green Mountain Express starts running at 8 AM. There are also places for parking personal vehicles like cars and boats, but not horses.

Around 8:45 AM it began crushing, like really snowing, which it hasn't been doing in the east so snowbladers were immediately sacrificed to encourage the gods. With that first flake they hit the trees. Hint for slowboarders: stay in the trees skiers left as long as possible while doing lower F.I.S. The cat track is pretty flat on the way back and you will end up skating - which is totally the best, but if you're not into that.... The choicest trees were high (Exterminator, Bravo, and secrets), but isn't that always the case? Sometimes the trio fell down the rabbit hole- it's bound to happen. (Definition of rabbit hole: super tight tree line that requires hands on trees and might not actually be considered a line by most). Anyway, glade laps are the best and the day was radaroni.

Super important thing to know about Mt. Ellen and champagne: please refrain from trying to shoot things/people by poppin' bottles. Back in the day when Mt. Ellen wasn't part of Sugarbush, you could buy a bottle of champagne and try to hit the cowbell in the bar with a cork. If you succeeded, you got free drinks. After learning this historical fact, the samoan (who loves free drinks) was determined to try her luck. Turns out the cowbell is not up for interpretation, so one should not try yelling more cowbell while firing champagne corks at the park crew from the Sunshine lift. Not getting free drinks will be the least of your worries. Side note: lap the Sunshine Double for maximum ratty rat park laps. The park is now open and there is some nutso sweetness going on.

Sugarbush is the most delicious. The twosome was ever so sad to leave. The resort is impossible to quit, so they will be back as soon as possible. Until then visions of Sugarbush will dance in their heads.

the samoan   photo- mad yuri — the samoan photo- mad yuri

p.s. The unveiling of the new cowbell is 2/20/16. Poppin' bottles and shooting corks will be accepted at this time.

KINGDOM OF SWEETNESS - SUGARBUSH